Speaker 1 0:07

Welcome to Skillful Mean's podcast . I'm your host , jennifer O'Sullivan . Before we jump into this month's topic , I wanted to thank everyone who's written in with so much encouragement . I'm getting your emails and your texts and it just really means a lot to me to know that the show means so much to you . I really love hearing from you . So please reach out with your thoughts by sending an email to feedback at skillfulmeanspodcastcom , and if you have a question or a topic you'd like me to cover on the show , follow the link in the show notes to my submission form , and you can also send me a text using the text me your feedback link in the show notes . This will send me an anonymous text , so don't worry , I won't start calling you or anything , but unfortunately that means I can't reply to your text . So if you want to reply , feedback at skillfulmeanspodcastcom is the way to go . Let's get to today's topic resistance .

Speaker 1 1:24

I've been thinking about resistance for as long as I've been teaching . All the way back in college , I worked at my school's computing center teaching workshops on how to check your email and use the internet . I know this must sound crazy to some of you , but back then most of us showed up on campus , having barely ever used a computer , so you can imagine there was a lot of fear and resistance when suddenly we had to use them all the time . So when I say this has been on my mind for a long time we're talking 30 plus years . I've heard variations of today's question from my college peers , software clients , yoga students , coaching clients , and , honestly , I come up against this too . The question goes like this I know this would be good for me and part of me really wants to do it , but somehow I keep running into this wall of resistance . How do I overcome it ? And by this people mean anything from maintaining a regular yoga practice , changing up their habits , getting a new project off the ground , if you can name it , someone out there is resisting it . What flummoxes people the most is that they also genuinely want to do the thing . So it's hard not to feel confused about why you're not getting on with it . And if you're someone with a judgy inner critic , then chances are you're also getting on your own case about why things aren't getting done .

Speaker 1 3:04

Let me say from the get-go that resistance is a universal human experience . It shows up in all aspects of life , but especially in areas where we're stretching into growth areas or moving out of our comfort zone . If whatever you're trying to do involves change , there's a good chance some part or parts of you are not on board . The presence of resistance doesn't mean there's something wrong with you . It doesn't mean you don't want it badly enough . It doesn't mean you don't understand the consequences of not doing it . It just means you're human .

Speaker 1 3:49

Today , I'm going to approach this question from two angles . First , I want to look through the Buddhist lens by unpacking the five hindrances . The hindrances appear in a couple of texts and are often framed by mindfulness teachers as obstacles we encounter while trying to meditate . However , they show up in any aspect of life when we're trying to grow into something . I think there's a lot of wisdom in these teachings and they can help us approach this topic with a lot of self-compassion . And I also want to look at this from the perspective of parts . It's not hard to find theories about why we experience resistance , but I think the best way to get to the truth of things is to ask the parts that are throwing up roadblocks . You'll typically find that the reasons aren't as neat and tidy as the theories would suggest . I've found that resistance is personal and often specific , and the best way I know how to figure out what's going on is to go to the source .

Speaker 1 5:05

Okay , so let's start with the five hindrances . The five hindrances are outlined in the Satipatthana Sutta , otherwise known as the Four Foundations of Mindfulness . It's in this discourse that we get specific instructions for meditation and contemplation , all aimed at alleviating suffering . The hindrances appear in the fourth foundation of mindfulness , which is about investigating lowercase d dharmas , aka mental formations . Mental formations are basically all the content in our mind , so our thoughts , opinions , intentions , motivations , insights . They also encompass mental states like how calm or restless the mind is . The hindrances are like high-level categories for other mental formations . For instance , aversion is the hindrance that encompasses feelings like hatred , disdain , animosity , but it can also reflect a general dislike for something that you'd rather not have to deal with . In other words , each of the hindrances includes a spectrum of secondary mental formations .

Speaker 1 6:32

I wanted to start with aversion , because it's the easiest hindrance to associate with resistance, resistance . It's kind of like the Occam's razor of resistance and Occam's razor states that the simplest reason for something is the likeliest one . So , to put this hindrance simply , if you're resisting taking action on something , there's a reasonable chance that some part of you doesn't want to do it at all or doesn't want to deal with some aspect of it , or doesn't like how it feels . Or doesn't want to deal with some aspect of it , or doesn't like how it feels or doesn't want to deal with someone associated with it , or is afraid of some aspect of it and doesn't want to feel that fear , or it associates the activity with something they find repellent . The list goes on , but , in a nutshell , aversive resistance signals that something about the thing you want to do is unwanted by some part or parts of you . This is why I really like parts work . You can have parts that really want to do something while also having parts that are feeling aversive for some reason .

Speaker 1 7:47

To suss out if you're feeling aversion , a question to ask yourself is is there something I don't like about this project ? As an example , I can tell you that one of the reasons it took me so long to get the podcast back up and running was that a part of me felt really uncomfortable even thinking about doing the show solo . It didn't matter that I get a lot of joy out of creating the show . This part , was scared and didn't want to think about it , and because I'm here talking to you now , obviously I figured out how to work with those feelings . So aversion doesn't mean you're never going to get your thing up and running .

Speaker 1 8:34

Second hindrance is craving , which includes feelings like longing , grasping or clinging , grasping or clinging , fear of losing something , and it also includes jealousy , parsimony , even pride can be a kind of craving , especially if you've got a part that wants to uphold a particular identity or is all about saving face as a force of resistance . Craving is more subtle than aversion , and it might show up as a conservative mindset Not politically conservative , but rather a need to preserve something , whether it's the status quo or your image . This is because there's safety in the familiarity of keeping things the way they are , even if the present situation isn't great . Years ago I read John Wellwood's book Toward a Psychology of Awakening , and this was ahead of a retreat I was going to do with him . Sadly , wellwood has passed away , but he was a renowned psychologist and author , one of the big names in a therapeutic modality called felt-sensing , and he was also a Buddhist . Even if you haven't heard of him , you've probably heard of a term he coined Toward . A Psychology of Awakening is the book where Wellwood describes spiritual bypassing , which is using spiritual practices to make ourselves feel better rather than doing the deep work to liberate ourselves . But he also goes on to talk about why people do this , and it's largely because even a really negative present is safer to many people than a positive and expansive , unknown future . So while parts of you may be super excited about the possibilities of a future where you're doing your great new thing , other parts of you might not be ready for that change and may be more interested in holding on to what's familiar , craving or clinging . You might ask yourself are there parts of me that are afraid of what might change if I move forward ?

Speaker 1 11:02

The third hindrance restlessness , encompasses all sorts of agitation and worry that we'd sum up as anxiety . This kind of resistance shows up as what ifs , as in what if no one shows up to my workshop ? What if I embarrass myself ? What if I completely bomb ? Whether it presents as needing things to be perfect or procrastination , the underlying current of restless resistance is feeling afraid something will go wrong and that will be catastrophic or intolerable . I'm aware in my own system that I couldn't care less if some things I do fail , but in other cases , failing would be utterly mortifying . But in other cases , failing would be utterly mortifying .

Speaker 1 11:56

I've also been thinking about restlessness in terms of overwhelm . There's still an agitated quality , but it's centered around not feeling like you can handle things or not knowing how to get started on something , and in this sense , you might feel like something is congested inside of you while another part is busting at the seams to take some kind of action . The mental image I get is a person sitting in a chair while bouncing their leg up and down really quickly or drumming their fingers on a table impatiently , whether it's fidgety , restlessness or anxiety around what could go wrong . A question that might unlock this source of resistance is what would happen if I had to do it five minutes from now . You might hear back something like oh , cranky , I'm not prepared at all and I'll screw it up . Or I'd like to know , but I don't know where to start . Or yeah , sure , but I've got too much going on right now to even think about that . Things like that tease out anxiety and even as I'm telling you this , I'm putting myself in that mindset . I'm also noticing irritation . So if thinking about pursuing your goal makes you feel crabby . That's an interesting clue to get curious about .

Speaker 1 13:26

On the opposite side of restlessness is the fourth hindrance , dullness , which can be literal sleepiness , but mostly it's a listless lack of concentration . With everything going on in Washington these days , I'm catching myself staring out the window more than I care to admit . So there's an aimless quality to dullness , and you want to be on the lookout for hopelessness , which may indicate the onset of depression . Boredom is another manifestation of dullness . Now , I haven't been sharing with you the antidotes to the hindrances , mainly because they aren't really suited to this topic . However , when it comes to dullness , the recommendation is to find a way to rouse yourself In the context of dullness in your meditation practice . If you're falling asleep , the text suggests first addressing sleep problems and then after that , you might need to change up your environment by trying to meditate at a different time or place , or even try a different method .

Speaker 1 14:36

If you sense that your resistance may have something to do with dullness , is there something about the endeavor that has lost its shine for you , and can you change that up ? Another possibility is that you're not intrinsically motivated to do this particular thing . In psychology , self-determination theory posits that motivation lies in our genuine enthusiasm for the thing we're trying to do . If your heart isn't in it , then you're going to have a hard time doing it . Have a hard time doing it To get more clarity around dullness .

Speaker 1 15:19

Notice how you feel when you try to engage in the thing you're trying to do . What type of mood does it evoke ? Do you feel drained or energized ? Is there excitement , curiosity and a sense of possibility ? Or does it feel like a slog ? Can you get into flow while working on it ?

Speaker 1 15:40

And finally , we have the hindrance of doubt , sometimes described as lack of faith or lack of belief . You might doubt yourself , okay , but it's also possible that a part of you has doubts about the thing you're trying to do . I experienced this a fair amount around marketing . It's the part of running my own business where I feel the least confident , and it's this feeling like I don't really know what I'm doing that makes me not want to try . And , to be honest , I can get kind of cynical about whether the marketing things I'm doing will actually work . In this case , I kind of doubt every aspect of marketing , so it's no surprise I don't put a lot of effort into it , even though I definitely have parts that are preoccupied with them , to see if doubt is fueling your resistance . Notice how you're talking to yourself about the project . Are parts of you trying to talk yourself out of it ? And notice if they're talking about you or the thing you're trying to do .

Speaker 1 16:45

The antidote for doubt is to seek counsel or revisit teachings . In other words , if doubt is around , we turn to our external supports . Taking a course isn't necessarily my go-to , because many of us turn to education to try to make up for lack of confidence , but it's also true that sometimes we need to do some skill building . You might also consider getting wise counsel from someone who's done the thing you're trying to do , or find a coach to companion you through the process . Too many of us are conditioned to be hyper self-sufficient , so don't be surprised if you feel a bit resistant to seeking out help .

Speaker 1 17:30

Filtering your resistance through the hindrances will help you get some clarity about what feelings or beliefs are holding you back . Self-understanding is empowering . When you know a bit more about what's going on , you can tackle it directly . What I find insightful about exploring the hindrances is that they're presented as unremarkably normal . Do they feel good ? No , do we like it when they're around ? Also no , but the fact that they appear in the discourse indicates how universal they are . It's as if the Buddha said here are the five most common ways you're going to stumble on your path and because I've seen this over and over and over again , I've developed a teaching about it . In this way , buddhism and IFS share a perspective . There is nothing wrong with you if you feel resistance . It's a normal thing to encounter and we can work with it .

Speaker 1 18:42

But if you spend any time in the self-help corners of the internet , chances are you've heard someone talk about self-sabotage . The idea goes like this For some reason , some people intentionally do things that undermine their goals . The reasons don't really matter . What matters is that you're not reaching goals , and I strongly object to the idea that people intentionally do this , and I think the whole idea of self-sabotage just perpetuates this hyper individualist narrative around success and productivity . There are a lot of reasons why goals are hard to attain , including , but not limited to , changing circumstances , external constraints and systems of oppression , and the very tone of the word self-sabotage is inherently negative and pathologizing . It's as if if you aren't reaching your goals , you must be setting yourself up to fail . I don't believe people do that . From the IFS perspective .

Speaker 1 19:47

All parts have good intentions . All parts are invested in your safety and your security . If parts are resistant , they have a reason . Parts that are aversive sense that something is potentially out of alignment , or harmful Parts that crave security over progress may need to move a little slower . Parts that are restless may need help mitigating fear or help planning next steps . Parts that are feeling dull may need to re-examine the goals and make sure there is genuine enthusiasm . Doubtful parts may hold deeper insight on better ways to move forward . The idea here is that parts aren't sabotaging . They're trying to get your attention . They're trying to protect you from something , and your job is to turn toward those parts , find out what they have to say and work with them to find pathways forward together . Like most negative feelings , resistance is a signal to get curious and turn inward . Let me give you a personal example of how this goes down .

Speaker 1 21:07

Several years ago this was pre-pandemic . I was super excited to launch a new continuing ed program on Taoism and yin yoga . Maybe some of you were even in that course . I took the advice of many , many business coaches to sell the program before I created it . The reasoning goes don't spend a lot of time building something up front in case people aren't interested in the offer . Once people sign up and the idea is validated , then you build it . Now I did have the outline of the course mapped out before I started working on it . All I needed to do was organize my thoughts and create the slideshows and handouts . The program would run weekly for eight weeks with a one-week break . It was all live , so I had to be ready to go each week .

Speaker 1 21:58

About two-thirds of the way through I started procrastinating , which is considered one of the top self-sabotaging behaviors , but I had my schedule mapped out and I just couldn't follow my plan . I was losing so much time hanging out in Facebook groups you know back when that was a thing and meanwhile other parts were starting to get really stressed out about the work not getting done . My IFS coach helped guide me into a dialogue with the part that was procrastinating and when I asked it why it wouldn't let me work , it had a lot to say Something like this Jen , this work situation you've gotten us into really sucks . It's not fun doing this much intensive work for nine weeks . This setup building as you go is sucking the joy out of teaching . And you know what it was right . It was too much .

Speaker 1 22:58

I absolutely love teaching . I loved the material and couldn't wait to share it . I even enjoy creating all the materials , but doing it all at the same time it was too much . So I said to the part you're absolutely right , and I feel that same irritation at the mess I've gotten myself into . That was bad advice for me . But listen , I've got paying students counting on me . I know you and I both don't want to let them down . How can we get back to work ? Ultimately , I broke the stalemate by promising not to do that again . Build a course while teaching it . I'd rather do a lot of work on something that no one wants than turn my calling into a slog of a job . And it's been almost six years and I haven't done that again .

Speaker 1 23:53

This experience completely changed my whole outlook on procrastination and resistance more broadly . Procrastination is a symptom of something else . The part was actually advocating for a more sustainable approach to how I run my business , and no amount of Pomodoro would have brought me that insight . And , in case you're curious , I was feeling a combination of two hindrances dullness by way of checking out on Facebook , and increasing anxiety or restlessness as the work wasn't getting done and increasingly less fun . The dissonance between these two oppositional feelings , dullness and restlessness , was also contributing to that sense of feeling stuck .

Speaker 1 24:44

So , whether you approach resistance through the lens of the hindrances or parts , or maybe both , what I hope you take away from this episode is that resistance isn't something to overcome . It's a signal that something is off . Maybe you just need to tweak something here or there , or maybe your whole goal is someone else's should and on that point , check out last month's episode . The cost of not slowing down and checking in with resistance is that you could end up someplace you don't actually want to be . My invitation to you is see what it would be like to relate to resistance with genuine curiosity . What wisdom is hidden behind those so-called blocks ? I'd love to hear about how you approach resistance , so drop me a note via text or email , and on that note , I'm working on a question for a future episode that I got from a listener who's wondering about Dharmic wisdom and social activism , particularly whether to stick around on social media platforms run by people who are promoting harmful views platforms run by people who are promoting harmful views .

Speaker 1 26:13

Now , I'll confess I tend to be on the digit side of things and I am currently and kind of slowly deplatforming myself , but I have seen some people make a case that platforms like Facebook are still being used to organize movements . So if you have thoughts and opinions about this topic , particularly through a dharmic or yogic lens , do get in touch . I want to share your takes and I'm even open to having someone join me on the show to talk about it . You know where to find me feedback at skillful means , podcastcom . And before I go , don't forget , in two weeks I'm dropping a practice episode . This month , I'll guide you through a dialogue with a resistant heart . Thank you again for the gift of your time and attention . Until next time , may you meet each moment with courage and compassion .