Speaker 1: 0:07

Welcome to Skillful Mean's podcast. I'm your host, jennifer O'Sullivan. Before we jump into this month's topic, I wanted to thank everyone who's written in with so much encouragement. I'm getting your emails and your texts and it just really means a lot to me to know that the show means so much to you. I really love hearing from you. So please reach out with your thoughts by sending an email to feedback at skillfulmeanspodcastcom, and if you have a question or a topic you'd like me to cover on the show, follow the link in the show notes to my submission form, and you can also send me a text using the text me your feedback link in the show notes. This will send me an anonymous text, so don't worry, I won't start calling you or anything, but unfortunately that means I can't reply to your text. So if you want to reply, feedback at skillfulmeanspodcastcom is the way to go. Let's get to today's topic resistance.

Speaker 1: 1:24

I've been thinking about resistance for as long as I've been teaching. All the way back in college, I worked at my school's computing center teaching workshops on how to check your email and use the internet. I know this must sound crazy to some of you, but back then most of us showed up on campus, having barely ever used a computer, so you can imagine there was a lot of fear and resistance when suddenly we had to use them all the time. So when I say this has been on my mind for a long time we're talking 30 plus years. I've heard variations of today's question from my college peers, software clients, yoga students, coaching clients, and, honestly, I come up against this too. The question goes like this I know this would be good for me and part of me really wants to do it, but somehow I keep running into this wall of resistance. How do I overcome it? And by this people mean anything from maintaining a regular yoga practice, changing up their habits, getting a new project off the ground, if you can name it, someone out there is resisting it. What flummoxes people the most is that they also genuinely want to do the thing. So it's hard not to feel confused about why you're not getting on with it. And if you're someone with a judgy inner critic, then chances are you're also getting on your own case about why things aren't getting done.

Speaker 1: 3:04

Let me say from the get-go that resistance is a universal human experience. It shows up in all aspects of life, but especially in areas where we're stretching into growth areas or moving out of our comfort zone. If whatever you're trying to do involves change, there's a good chance some part or parts of you are not on board. The presence of resistance doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. It doesn't mean you don't want it badly enough. It doesn't mean you don't understand the consequences of not doing it. It just means you're human.

Speaker 1: 3:49

Today, I'm going to approach this question from two angles. First, I want to look through the Buddhist lens by unpacking the five hindrances. The hindrances appear in a couple of texts and are often framed by mindfulness teachers as obstacles we encounter while trying to meditate. However, they show up in any aspect of life when we're trying to grow into something. I think there's a lot of wisdom in these teachings and they can help us approach this topic with a lot of self-compassion. And I also want to look at this from the perspective of parts. It's not hard to find theories about why we experience resistance, but I think the best way to get to the truth of things is to ask the parts that are throwing up roadblocks. You'll typically find that the reasons aren't as neat and tidy as the theories would suggest. I've found that resistance is personal and often specific, and the best way I know how to figure out what's going on is to go to the source.

Speaker 1: 5:05

Okay, so let's start with the five hindrances. The five hindrances are outlined in the Satipatthana Sutta, otherwise known as the Four Foundations of Mindfulness. It's in this discourse that we get specific instructions for meditation and contemplation, all aimed at alleviating suffering. The hindrances appear in the fourth foundation of mindfulness, which is about investigating lowercase d dharmas, aka mental formations. Mental formations are basically all the content in our mind, so our thoughts, opinions, intentions, motivations, insights. They also encompass mental states like how calm or restless the mind is. The hindrances are like high-level categories for other mental formations. For instance, aversion is the hindrance that encompasses feelings like hatred, disdain, animosity, but it can also reflect a general dislike for something that you'd rather not have to deal with. In other words, each of the hindrances includes a spectrum of secondary mental formations.

Speaker 1: 6:32

I wanted to start with aversion, because it's the easiest hindrance to associate with resistance, resistance. It's kind of like the Occam's razor of resistance and Occam's razor states that the simplest reason for something is the likeliest one. So, to put this hindrance simply, if you're resisting taking action on something, there's a reasonable chance that some part of you doesn't want to do it at all or doesn't want to deal with some aspect of it, or doesn't like how it feels. Or doesn't want to deal with some aspect of it, or doesn't like how it feels or doesn't want to deal with someone associated with it, or is afraid of some aspect of it and doesn't want to feel that fear, or it associates the activity with something they find repellent. The list goes on, but, in a nutshell, aversive resistance signals that something about the thing you want to do is unwanted by some part or parts of you. This is why I really like parts work. You can have parts that really want to do something while also having parts that are feeling aversive for some reason.

Speaker 1: 7:47

To suss out if you're feeling aversion, a question to ask yourself is is there something I don't like about this project? As an example, I can tell you that one of the reasons it took me so long to get the podcast back up and running was that a part of me felt really uncomfortable even thinking about doing the show solo. It didn't matter that I get a lot of joy out of creating the show. This part, was scared and didn't want to think about it, and because I'm here talking to you now, obviously I figured out how to work with those feelings. So aversion doesn't mean you're never going to get your thing up and running.

Speaker 1: 8:34

Second hindrance is craving, which includes feelings like longing, grasping or clinging, grasping or clinging, fear of losing something, and it also includes jealousy, parsimony, even pride can be a kind of craving, especially if you've got a part that wants to uphold a particular identity or is all about saving face as a force of resistance. Craving is more subtle than aversion, and it might show up as a conservative mindset Not politically conservative, but rather a need to preserve something, whether it's the status quo or your image. This is because there's safety in the familiarity of keeping things the way they are, even if the present situation isn't great. Years ago I read John Wellwood's book Toward a Psychology of Awakening, and this was ahead of a retreat I was going to do with him. Sadly, wellwood has passed away, but he was a renowned psychologist and author, one of the big names in a therapeutic modality called felt-sensing, and he was also a Buddhist. Even if you haven't heard of him, you've probably heard of a term he coined Toward. A Psychology of Awakening is the book where Wellwood describes spiritual bypassing, which is using spiritual practices to make ourselves feel better rather than doing the deep work to liberate ourselves. But he also goes on to talk about why people do this, and it's largely because even a really negative present is safer to many people than a positive and expansive, unknown future. So while parts of you may be super excited about the possibilities of a future where you're doing your great new thing, other parts of you might not be ready for that change and may be more interested in holding on to what's familiar, craving or clinging. You might ask yourself are there parts of me that are afraid of what might change if I move forward?

Speaker 1: 11:02

The third hindrance restlessness, encompasses all sorts of agitation and worry that we'd sum up as anxiety. This kind of resistance shows up as what ifs, as in what if no one shows up to my workshop? What if I embarrass myself? What if I completely bomb? Whether it presents as needing things to be perfect or procrastination, the underlying current of restless resistance is feeling afraid something will go wrong and that will be catastrophic or intolerable. I'm aware in my own system that I couldn't care less if some things I do fail, but in other cases, failing would be utterly mortifying. But in other cases, failing would be utterly mortifying.

Speaker 1: 11:56

I've also been thinking about restlessness in terms of overwhelm. There's still an agitated quality, but it's centered around not feeling like you can handle things or not knowing how to get started on something, and in this sense, you might feel like something is congested inside of you while another part is busting at the seams to take some kind of action. The mental image I get is a person sitting in a chair while bouncing their leg up and down really quickly or drumming their fingers on a table impatiently, whether it's fidgety, restlessness or anxiety around what could go wrong. A question that might unlock this source of resistance is what would happen if I had to do it five minutes from now. You might hear back something like oh, cranky, I'm not prepared at all and I'll screw it up. Or I'd like to know, but I don't know where to start. Or yeah, sure, but I've got too much going on right now to even think about that. Things like that tease out anxiety and even as I'm telling you this, I'm putting myself in that mindset. I'm also noticing irritation. So if thinking about pursuing your goal makes you feel crabby. That's an interesting clue to get curious about.

Speaker 1: 13:26

On the opposite side of restlessness is the fourth hindrance, dullness, which can be literal sleepiness, but mostly it's a listless lack of concentration. With everything going on in Washington these days, I'm catching myself staring out the window more than I care to admit. So there's an aimless quality to dullness, and you want to be on the lookout for hopelessness, which may indicate the onset of depression. Boredom is another manifestation of dullness. Now, I haven't been sharing with you the antidotes to the hindrances, mainly because they aren't really suited to this topic. However, when it comes to dullness, the recommendation is to find a way to rouse yourself In the context of dullness in your meditation practice. If you're falling asleep, the text suggests first addressing sleep problems and then after that, you might need to change up your environment by trying to meditate at a different time or place, or even try a different method.

Speaker 1: 14:36

If you sense that your resistance may have something to do with dullness, is there something about the endeavor that has lost its shine for you, and can you change that up? Another possibility is that you're not intrinsically motivated to do this particular thing. In psychology, self-determination theory posits that motivation lies in our genuine enthusiasm for the thing we're trying to do. If your heart isn't in it, then you're going to have a hard time doing it. Have a hard time doing it To get more clarity around dullness.

Speaker 1: 15:19

Notice how you feel when you try to engage in the thing you're trying to do. What type of mood does it evoke? Do you feel drained or energized? Is there excitement, curiosity and a sense of possibility? Or does it feel like a slog? Can you get into flow while working on it?

Speaker 1: 15:40

And finally, we have the hindrance of doubt, sometimes described as lack of faith or lack of belief. You might doubt yourself, okay, but it's also possible that a part of you has doubts about the thing you're trying to do. I experienced this a fair amount around marketing. It's the part of running my own business where I feel the least confident, and it's this feeling like I don't really know what I'm doing that makes me not want to try. And, to be honest, I can get kind of cynical about whether the marketing things I'm doing will actually work. In this case, I kind of doubt every aspect of marketing, so it's no surprise I don't put a lot of effort into it, even though I definitely have parts that are preoccupied with them, to see if doubt is fueling your resistance. Notice how you're talking to yourself about the project. Are parts of you trying to talk yourself out of it? And notice if they're talking about you or the thing you're trying to do.

Speaker 1: 16:45

The antidote for doubt is to seek counsel or revisit teachings. In other words, if doubt is around, we turn to our external supports. Taking a course isn't necessarily my go-to, because many of us turn to education to try to make up for lack of confidence, but it's also true that sometimes we need to do some skill building. You might also consider getting wise counsel from someone who's done the thing you're trying to do, or find a coach to companion you through the process. Too many of us are conditioned to be hyper self-sufficient, so don't be surprised if you feel a bit resistant to seeking out help.

Speaker 1: 17:30

Filtering your resistance through the hindrances will help you get some clarity about what feelings or beliefs are holding you back. Self-understanding is empowering. When you know a bit more about what's going on, you can tackle it directly. What I find insightful about exploring the hindrances is that they're presented as unremarkably normal. Do they feel good? No, do we like it when they're around? Also no, but the fact that they appear in the discourse indicates how universal they are. It's as if the Buddha said here are the five most common ways you're going to stumble on your path and because I've seen this over and over and over again, I've developed a teaching about it. In this way, buddhism and IFS share a perspective. There is nothing wrong with you if you feel resistance. It's a normal thing to encounter and we can work with it.

Speaker 1: 18:42

But if you spend any time in the self-help corners of the internet, chances are you've heard someone talk about self-sabotage. The idea goes like this For some reason, some people intentionally do things that undermine their goals. The reasons don't really matter. What matters is that you're not reaching goals, and I strongly object to the idea that people intentionally do this, and I think the whole idea of self-sabotage just perpetuates this hyper individualist narrative around success and productivity. There are a lot of reasons why goals are hard to attain, including, but not limited to, changing circumstances, external constraints and systems of oppression, and the very tone of the word self-sabotage is inherently negative and pathologizing. It's as if if you aren't reaching your goals, you must be setting yourself up to fail. I don't believe people do that. From the IFS perspective.

Speaker 1: 19:47

All parts have good intentions. All parts are invested in your safety and your security. If parts are resistant, they have a reason. Parts that are aversive sense that something is potentially out of alignment, or harmful Parts that crave security over progress may need to move a little slower. Parts that are restless may need help mitigating fear or help planning next steps. Parts that are feeling dull may need to re-examine the goals and make sure there is genuine enthusiasm. Doubtful parts may hold deeper insight on better ways to move forward. The idea here is that parts aren't sabotaging. They're trying to get your attention. They're trying to protect you from something, and your job is to turn toward those parts, find out what they have to say and work with them to find pathways forward together. Like most negative feelings, resistance is a signal to get curious and turn inward. Let me give you a personal example of how this goes down.

Speaker 1: 21:07

Several years ago this was pre-pandemic. I was super excited to launch a new continuing ed program on Taoism and yin yoga. Maybe some of you were even in that course. I took the advice of many, many business coaches to sell the program before I created it. The reasoning goes don't spend a lot of time building something up front in case people aren't interested in the offer. Once people sign up and the idea is validated, then you build it. Now I did have the outline of the course mapped out before I started working on it. All I needed to do was organize my thoughts and create the slideshows and handouts. The program would run weekly for eight weeks with a one-week break. It was all live, so I had to be ready to go each week.

Speaker 1: 21:58

About two-thirds of the way through I started procrastinating, which is considered one of the top self-sabotaging behaviors, but I had my schedule mapped out and I just couldn't follow my plan. I was losing so much time hanging out in Facebook groups you know back when that was a thing and meanwhile other parts were starting to get really stressed out about the work not getting done. My IFS coach helped guide me into a dialogue with the part that was procrastinating and when I asked it why it wouldn't let me work, it had a lot to say Something like this Jen, this work situation you've gotten us into really sucks. It's not fun doing this much intensive work for nine weeks. This setup building as you go is sucking the joy out of teaching. And you know what it was right. It was too much.

Speaker 1: 22:58

I absolutely love teaching. I loved the material and couldn't wait to share it. I even enjoy creating all the materials, but doing it all at the same time it was too much. So I said to the part you're absolutely right, and I feel that same irritation at the mess I've gotten myself into. That was bad advice for me. But listen, I've got paying students counting on me. I know you and I both don't want to let them down. How can we get back to work? Ultimately, I broke the stalemate by promising not to do that again. Build a course while teaching it. I'd rather do a lot of work on something that no one wants than turn my calling into a slog of a job. And it's been almost six years and I haven't done that again.

Speaker 1: 23:53

This experience completely changed my whole outlook on procrastination and resistance more broadly. Procrastination is a symptom of something else. The part was actually advocating for a more sustainable approach to how I run my business, and no amount of Pomodoro would have brought me that insight. And, in case you're curious, I was feeling a combination of two hindrances dullness by way of checking out on Facebook, and increasing anxiety or restlessness as the work wasn't getting done and increasingly less fun. The dissonance between these two oppositional feelings, dullness and restlessness, was also contributing to that sense of feeling stuck.

Speaker 1: 24:44

So, whether you approach resistance through the lens of the hindrances or parts, or maybe both, what I hope you take away from this episode is that resistance isn't something to overcome. It's a signal that something is off. Maybe you just need to tweak something here or there, or maybe your whole goal is someone else's should and on that point, check out last month's episode. The cost of not slowing down and checking in with resistance is that you could end up someplace you don't actually want to be. My invitation to you is see what it would be like to relate to resistance with genuine curiosity. What wisdom is hidden behind those so-called blocks? I'd love to hear about how you approach resistance, so drop me a note via text or email, and on that note, I'm working on a question for a future episode that I got from a listener who's wondering about Dharmic wisdom and social activism, particularly whether to stick around on social media platforms run by people who are promoting harmful views platforms run by people who are promoting harmful views.

Speaker 1: 26:13

Now, I'll confess I tend to be on the digit side of things and I am currently and kind of slowly deplatforming myself, but I have seen some people make a case that platforms like Facebook are still being used to organize movements. So if you have thoughts and opinions about this topic, particularly through a dharmic or yogic lens, do get in touch. I want to share your takes and I'm even open to having someone join me on the show to talk about it. You know where to find me feedback at skillful means, podcastcom. And before I go, don't forget, in two weeks I'm dropping a practice episode. This month, I'll guide you through a dialogue with a resistant heart. Thank you again for the gift of your time and attention. Until next time, may you meet each moment with courage and compassion.