Speaker 1: 0:08

Welcome to Skillful Means Podcast. I'm your host, jennifer O'Sullivan. Well, here we are, the first official episode in quite some time. It feels good to be back behind the mic and I hope you're excited to have the show back in your feed too. I don't know if I ever mentioned it on the show before, but I was a radio DJ back in college and even though I was often alone in the studio, I never felt alone because we interacted with our listeners. A lot People called in all the time, not just to request songs, but also to find out what was going on around town. Radio used to be a community hub, and that's the approach I'm bringing to the show. It's also why I'd like you to feel like you can call in and help guide the show and, though I can't play your favorite songs, I can field your questions and topic requests. I've got three ways for you to share your ideas. One, fill out the survey link at the end of the show notes. Two, send me a text using the text me your feedback link. Or three, drop me a note the old-fashioned way via email at feedback at skillful means podcastcom.

Speaker 1: 1:34

With that, let's get into it. Ever feel like you're being bombarded with hot takes I do, especially right now, with American scrambling to figure out how to survive the next four years. I'm still trying to figure out that too, but what I do know is that the answers lie within ourselves. So today we're talking about getting clarity when it feels like everyone has an opinion about what you should be doing and how you should be doing it. The onslaught of pushy hot take advice has been going on in a lot of domains for a while, be it work-life balance, self-development, parenting, nutrition, exercise. Honestly, I can't think of an area of life not touched by what amounts to a lot of shoulds, and with everything happening in the world right now, everyone has a take on the right way to show up.

Speaker 1: 2:27

The question my clients are bringing to me is how do I balance it all while staying true to myself? This is, of course, a neat little summary. What I'm really hearing is that people feel overwhelmed and don't know what to do. They're tired and afraid, and meanwhile they have all their usual responsibilities to tend to. And because hot takes aren't nuanced, it's not surprising that a lot of it doesn't feel like a good fit. I want to break this question how do I balance it all while staying true to myself, into two parts. The first half is about priorities and time management, and the second half is about getting clear on what matters most to you. To the frustration of many of my IFS clients, ifs is not an advice offering modality, and actually Buddhism isn't either. Buddhist texts are full of stories of the Buddha avoiding direct questions about what people should do.

Speaker 1: 3:37

What I've noticed is that when my clients focus in on their values and what feels most authentically true to themselves, then their to-do lists shrink a bit and the balancing act gets a lot easier. I'm not saying it goes away, but motivation. Science will tell you that personal investment is the fuel that gets things done. So before we can start addressing how to manage all the things, let's get clear on what's actually yours to manage. To do that, we have to talk about shoulds.

Speaker 1: 4:13

In its simplest form, a should is something that we experience as a must-have or a must-do. Now, shoulds aren't necessarily a bad thing. Some reflect normal constraints like following traffic laws and taking care of your kids, and some of our shoulds are an expression of our core values. So, as an example, one of my core values is environmental stewardship. Some self imposed shoulds related to that include trying to minimize my environmental footprint and supporting businesses that share that value. It does take work to evaluate all my options and sometimes I have to say no to things that I want, but because those shoulds relate to a value, I'm okay with them. However, a lot of our shoulds are given to us as conditions of worth, which is a fancy way of talking about other people's expectations. Conditions of worth come from family of origin, communities we belong to, religious institutions, expectations we picked up at school, and also social media influencers, self-styled thought leaders and self-help books. These kinds of shoulds can be really hard to sniff out and scrutinize because we often pick them up through osmosis. Once we hear or observe something enough times, our brains are wired to adopt it as a pattern.

Speaker 1: 5:43

So how do we know what really belongs to us? To start, let's compare shoulds with our wants and needs. So ask yourself for a moment what would I want if I had unlimited freedom and no constraints? In this situation, what would I want if I had unlimited freedom and no constraints? Try not to focus on the practicalities. Instead, notice what your answer says about what really matters most to you. Similarly, what are your non-negotiable needs? This is probably a bigger list than you think, because, in addition to food, shelter and water, we're also talking about community sense of belonging, safety, support. Add to the mix joy, playfulness, autonomy, purpose, meaning. The Center for Nonviolent Communication has a needs inventory that is full of things that may surprise you, and I'll put the link to that in the show notes for you to check out when you have a chance.

Speaker 1: 6:55

A really helpful activity is to write down all your wants and needs related to a decision you're trying to make, set a timer and just bring them as much as you can come up with under each category. Then go through each one and ask do I really want or need this? If the answer isn't yes, then it could be a should. Now use your best judgment when it comes to things you may not want to do. Not a hard yes, but you still kind of have to do, like the taxes. You don't want to throw them off your list.

Speaker 1: 7:33

So we'll come back to finding shoulds a little bit more in a second, but before we do I want to say that unfortunately, some of our parts have taken on the job of ambassador for all those external expectations. In other words, some of our parts absorb these beliefs as if they belong to them and, depending on your history, it may feel dangerous for some of your parts to have wants and needs. So we want to approach this inquiry with a lot of self-compassion. Be gentle and patient with your parts as you investigate their beliefs. You may have parts that feel really ready to jettison some shoulds, while other parts will panic at the mere idea, especially if those shoulds are connected to significant others. Shoulds are connected to significant others. The Buddha counseled that compassion, karuna, should be radiated outward in all directions. It's like a mood that we want to adopt when we investigate the roots of our suffering. The last thing we want to do is judge ourselves harshly for taking on beliefs and strategies that likely made sense at the time. Any kind of self-judgment you know you should be better than this. You should know this already is also a form of shitting on yourself, and it only adds to the balancing act. Instead, invite those parts to explore the possibility that setting down some of those must-haves and must-dos will be a relief for them. They won't have to work so hard to toe the line and other parts will have less to juggle when your to-do list is streamlined.

Speaker 1: 9:27

Okay, so let's talk about other ways to become more aware of shoulds. Hearts take up residence in the body, heart and mind. This means that we can sense into these places to gather insights about shoulds. So, starting with the body, when you're trying to determine if I want or need truly belongs to you, take a moment to notice the kinds of sensations that arise when you think about it. You might feel sensations both in and around your body.

Speaker 1: 9:59

Now, everybody experiences things differently, but here are a few common things I've heard from my clients. Physical tension this can be all over, almost like a bracing sensation. While some people will feel a gripping in a particular area of the body, another tell that something is out of alignment, is feeling compelled in some way. I experience other people shoulds as if someone is pushing me from behind or pressing down on my shoulders. For me it's like an outside in feeling, and heaviness is another one, as if all the energy is draining out of you. Now, tension is a common reaction to a lot of things, so it could be something else. But if you're listening to someone's take and you sense your body trying to back away from it, that's something to get curious about. Why is my body responding like this? Conversely, something that feels in alignment will feel calm and relaxed. You might even feel excited, like you can't wait to get started, or you might find yourself leaning forward, as if trying to take in more.

Speaker 1: 11:15

Now, the heart is the domain of mood and emotion. The clearest signal that something isn't sitting right is if you feel agitated emotions like annoyance, irritation, even anger. Anything that feels like a backlash is something to take notice of. Unfortunately, we don't always get such clear signals when it comes to sniffing out shoulds. This is because some parts of us might already agree with the should. So when we sense into feelings, we might feel different flavors of anxiety, such as confusion or indecisiveness. These feelings point to inner conflict, and so if the prevailing feeling is, I just don't know, that's also worth getting curious about.

Speaker 1: 12:04

On the other hand, when my clients start to feel aligned with their true wants and needs, I see and hear signals that point to coherence. They speak about just knowing. In my experience, I sense a centeredness or groundedness. It feels right, and in Taoism, the earth element is associated with clarity and insight. So you might sense qualities that are associated with earthiness, stability, majesty, and one of the emotions associated with earth element is feeling comfortable in your own skin associated with earth element is feeling comfortable in your own skin. Authenticity is hard to describe as a feeling, but I can tell you what it definitely isn't. It isn't smushy or wishy-washy. Alignment is a quietly powerful feeling. Finally, parts use the cognitive powers of the mind to tell us what they think and feel about things.

Speaker 1: 13:09

If a voice inside of you is saying I should, we'll get curious. You don't need to reject the thought outright, but ask more questions why should I? Who says I should, who says I should Along similar lines. Look out for phrases like supposed to, must or ought to, everyone is, it's expected, it's how it is. Who else is going to do it? Or, my favorite, a good, compassionate, caring, responsible, etc. Person would these phrases and others like them? They mask external pressure by making it seem like they're universal truths or imperatives. So look out for those. And if you're asking yourself, after you've said yes to something, why am I doing this again? Get curious, why are you doing it again? Then notice if any of those phrases come up and listen, because shoulds can also arise from our core values. You may still choose to follow through on whatever must be done, but you'll do it with clarity and a sense of alignment.

Speaker 1: 14:23

Take notice, too, about how these domains interrelate to one another. You might not have a real cohesion across all three domains. Your inner dialogue might be fuzzy, while your body signals are clear. So, as an example, do you feel hesitant even though a part is speaking with certainty? I find that the body tends to be more reliable, though not always so. Trust your instincts. Trust yourself, because your whole self knows what you want and need, even if some of your parts aren't sure.

Speaker 1: 15:17

I want to give you a few questions that you can post to your parts as a way of investigating where your shoulds are coming from. Sometimes, realizing that you don't actually believe the underlying assumption of the should is enough to shake it loose, or you might discover a trailhead to explore further. I recommend writing the following questions down in one color, then use another color to let your parts share their answers. For the purpose of this activity, you don't need to know exactly what part to address. Just pose the question and see what comes up. And for those of you who are in a car or otherwise indisposed right now, don't worry, I'll put them in the show notes for you.

Speaker 1: 15:59

So, first question why is this important Now try to be sincerely open to the answer, even if you have other parts that want to contradict it. Second question how did this become important? How did this become important? This question can tease out whether the expectation is coming from outside or inside of you. Third question what would happen if I did something else instead? What would happen if I did something else instead? What would happen if I did something else instead? This is a soft way of asking the part if it perceives any consequences to not living up to an expectation, and it also gives you an opening to offer up alternatives. And the last one do I really want to do this or do it in this exact way? There's a good chance this question will reveal some internal conflict. Some parts may say yes, and others may go well, actually, or yeah, but Try to take this in with a sense of openness and curiosity, because listening doesn't mean endorsing. In the end, you get to take everything on board and decide what you want to do. These questions will help you better understand why some of your parts may be hanging onto shoulds that don't feel like they belong to you, and then these data points can help you take care of your parts, especially if you choose to let go of the shoulds, you can reassure your parts that you'll be with them, even if charting your own path feels uncomfortable or scary.

Speaker 1: 18:08

Okay, back to the first half of the OG question, which was how do I balance it all? Hopefully your all list has gotten shorter and you may already feel a bit lighter, even if you still have a lot to take care of. When you focus on things you're personally invested in, motivation goes way up. So, when it comes to prioritizing or balancing, focus on what's most important and meaningful to you and then work your way outward from there. A couple of reflection questions that might help you are will this energize me or drain me? I'm not saying you shouldn't do things that drain you. Sometimes we have to Again the taxes, but if something is going to require a lot of you, then maybe something else on your list has to go to the parking lot. Would I choose this if no one was watching?

Speaker 1: 19:13

This is a tough one, but will likely tease out really stealthy shoulds, the kind that are rooted in cultural norms. Okay, as an example and this may surprise you, but I see this a lot in my spiritual circles where there is a subtle, implicit pressure to perform a certain role of quote spiritual person, along with all kinds of conventions that go with that. So that might look like expectations about how frequently and how long you're expected to practice you know to be thought of as credible, or conventions around books you're expected to read or thought leaders you're supposed to follow. Anyway, if the reason you feel compelled to do something is rooted in how others perceive you, ask more questions. I totally get that. Not everyone has the safety and privilege to tell everyone to bugger off so you can do your own thing. But at the very least, maybe there's a way to fulfill the spirit of the thing rather than the letter of it, as a way of reclaiming some sovereignty around it.

Speaker 1: 20:30

Also, on the subject of prioritization, I really appreciate Rachel Cook, whose business advice I've been following for years. When planning and scheduling, she counsels people to account for family and self-care first, with those schedule blocks in place. Then factor in your work schedule and commitments. This is how you're going to buffer against burnout by building in the time you need to regenerate. And because I know it's on a lot of people's minds when it comes to showing up for the resistance, focus on one or two causes that are meaningful to you. Trust that other people will fill in elsewhere.

Speaker 1: 21:14

And I also recommend checking out the Building Movement Projects Social Change Ecosystem Map, which I'll link to in the show notes. This map is an examination of 10 different roles we can play as members of movements, and the aha for me was that not everyone is meant to be the organizer and visionary which are most of our role models. So I was really getting hung up here. What I discovered is that movements also need a care team, what I think of as the pit crew. I felt so relieved seeing those roles on the list because I didn't feel relaxed and assured trying to rally people. It just wasn't my thing. So check out the list and notice what roles feel resonant, what feels right for you. I also recommend getting hyper local and in person if you can. The number one thing I've gleaned from the first year of studying for my GDiv in positive psychology is that everything is better when we do it socially. Find a local group to join or recruit a buddy to work with you.

Speaker 1: 22:26

So I guess my answer to the question of balancing it all while staying true to yourself is don't, because you can't, especially if you don't believe in all the things on your list. Start with getting clear on what's most authentic and meaningful to you. Try to drop what isn't really your priority. Then work with what's left, knowing that you'll have to compromise, but at least you're compromising among things that you truly care about. Among things that you truly care about. And if you're still feeling pressured to do it all, ask yourself who expects you to.

Speaker 1: 23:08

Okay, so that's my room temperature. Take on this question, hopefully not coming in too hot. I'd really love to hear how you'd approach this question about balancing it all and remaining true to yourself, and I'd love to share your tips in the next show. So if you send me a text or email with your thoughts, I might gather them up and share with the listeners and, coming up in two weeks, I'm uploading a mini yin yoga practice with the invitation to come home to yourself. Wow, thank you for the gift of your time and attention. Until next time, may you meet each moment with courage and compassion.